That moment when the bride is smiling and laughing graciously at the Best Man’s gawd awful toast, but you know she’s plotting her sweet, sweet revenge. Warning: the bride always gets the last laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha.
If you don’t want to say Salud to your friendship or end up on YouTube for the Worst Toasts like these Best Men, AVOID these 5 Best Man toast mistakes and you’ll be fine.
1. Don’t Get Piss Drunk Before Your Toast
Actually, don’t drink at all until after you speak. We all know one tequila shot leads to two and three and so on...so avoid that liquid courage altogether. Plus, there’s a higher flammability risk, the likelihood you mention your dad’s failed first marriage, and awkwardly talk about their sex life. Eww!
2. Don’t Ramble On and On and On.
Keep it short and sweet, people. Guests want to drink, eat, and be merry! Not try to follow the details of corny inside jokes and laugh awkwardly at the groom’s expense. Leave the humiliating stories and night of bromance reminiscing at the bachelor party!
3. Don’t Mention Your Missed Opportunity With The Bride.
Weddings are about the couple. NOT the Best Man who missed his shot with the girl of his dreams because his bro called dibs! AWKWARD! Self-deprecating speeches about being the third wheel will leave guests feeling sorry for you instead of happy for the newlyweds. Oh, and skip those cheesy intro puns.
4. Don’t Question The Groom’s Sexuality.
Oh no he didn’t! This not-so-Best Man calls out the groom for being gay in quite a few stories as the groom sits next to his newbie wife. He was laser focused on the groom’s sexuality throughout his entire speech...not something that should matter on your wedding day since it should be pretty clear based on who you’re marrying.
5. Don’t Talk About Sex and Masturbation.
OBVI! This Best Man starts out slowly with his (and I’m paraphrasing here) ‘marriage means compromise so sometimes you have to bend over and take it up the ass’ toast from hell. Yes, I know! He said WHAT?! His sex and marriage testimonial-style speech was so inappropriate that the mother of the bride (I think) took the speech out of his hands. I bet the couple is still trying to forget that monstrosity!
Unless you’re at a kink positive wedding where all the guests are in your age group and you’re talking about sex in a “marriage boosts your sex life” kind of way then fine. You have to know your crowd, people. This guy certainly didn’t!
Notable Toast Don'ts That Didn't Make The Top 5:
DON'T talk about marriage like it's a prison sentence. Your buddy isn't losing his freedom. You'll see him again, but you'll make it awkward if you refer to his new wife as his warden.
DON'T mention exes. Leave the past in the past! That also includes the time he got so drunk that he did something you'll never let him live down and any other morbidly horrifying stories.